learning to accept when i’ve done something i’m ashamed about, learning to stop being defensive when i’m in the wrong, sit upright and apologize with my words and actions
as mad at myself as i am, I really only have control over my words and actions moving forward
serenity to accept the things i cannot change, courage to change the things i can, and wisdom to know the difference
can’t take back things i’ve said or how i’ve acted
can’t expect someone to forgive me when i am the one who caused them harm
i don’t like hurting people, especially those i love
it’s the worst feeling in the world
but i did it, i have to own up to that, it’s my responsibility to grow and learn and no one else’s
“I am not an easy person to love. Some days I will whisper how beautiful you are while planting gentle kisses all over your body. You will giggle and try to fight me off and in that moment my heart will have never felt so light. But other days when my mind is a storm cloud threatening to explode, I will be a bundle of emotions that I cannot quite keep contained. I will be cold, distant, and you will look at me like I am not the same person you fell in love with. I am a broken light switch. My moods flicker without anyone flipping me on and off. I wake up each morning and wonder which me you will encounter that day. I always hope it is the one who makes you want to stick around. I am not easy to love. But what I need you to understand is that whether there is a war waging inside of my mind or I am the kind person that you adore, I will always love you. I will love you in the morning. I will love you when you cry. I will love you when I am angry. I will love you when you’re being stubborn. I will love you when I don’t even love myself. I will love you. I know that there will be days when you want to give up on me but I am asking you, please don’t. You see, you are the only one who has been able to settle the storm inside of me before I even realize it is surfacing. I am not easy to love but I promise that I will always put up a fight. And I will love you no matter which me my light switch flips on that day.”
dear mariam, my beautiful girl, my sweet love, my partner, my best friend, the love of my life,
i know the past few days have been not so easy, and i know a lot of the fault is mine.
i know i struggle to quiet my mind at times, to ground myself, to win the battles inside me
but, you my love, are the most precious thing i’ve ever encountered
so on days like this, at times like this, i surround myself in you, i sit and reflect on you, on everything you are and everything you want to be
and so these are the everythings, part three:
how you sit when we watch movies together, how you send me pictures and videos of you curled up in your sweats, and the only thing I yearn for in that moment is to be cuddled up beside you, my arms entangled in yours, holding you close
how you’ve taught me to never dwell, even when i’ve only been familiar with holding onto fights
how you don’t give up, how you see past the hard times, because you know we’ll be okay, more than okay
how you don’t like to take anything from anyone, but on occasion, you ask me to get you dinner, and although you’re half-kidding, it’s always an incredible pleasure to feed my baby
how you believe in me, you recognize the changes i’ve made for me and for us
how you’ve put in work, for you and for us, and even though you may not see it, you have come so far already
how much work you’ve put into your organization, how you’ve accomplished so much, built something from the ground up, and although you don’t receive the recognition you deserve, you keep going, keep building, and i am so proud of you
how intelligent you are, and i’ve probably mentioned this before, but it holds true, you pick up things so quickly, you are both book smart and emotionally intelligent, far beyond your years
the curves of your body, the way your hips sit just right, and your collarbones and shoulders fit in the perfect way
the way you’ve opened yourself up to me intimately, through all of your struggles, and although the trauma rears it’s head occasionally, thank you for showing me that part of you, i always find you incredibly sexy and you captivate me every time
the way you get out of your car, how one time you kept your video on, and i imagined every time i’ll ever get to see that in my life, such a small thing, but an everything to me
the way you smiled during our painting date, how i saw you in hold your paintbrush, smile at the canvas when i made you laugh, your hair falling off of your shoulders, catching you staring at me at times
the way you call me on every ten minute and lunch break, how i’ve memorized the times, knowing when you’ll call, waiting to hear your voice just for a few minutes. how you always call, always. it makes me feel so incredibly wanted and missed.
the way you get me more and more stuffed animals, because i know i’ll lose the battle of the penguins, and you’re preparing me for that
how you love looking at apartments with me, how it doesn’t scare you away, how you, like i, imagine the daily chores, the groceries, the small things
the way you giggle, how you laugh as well, but how you giggle, for about a half a second, and that has become one of my favorite sounds
the way you speak gibberish to me, and i speak it back
the way every time we’re around other couples, i know out of all of them, we’re the ones who will last forever
the way you’ve never judged me for my past, and how i’ve always been able to be open and honest about who i was, knowing you will only see me for who i am now
the way you greet me on the phone, with a big hi, every single time, how excited you are to hear my voice when i pick up
the “no, don’t go”, the “you want me to go home? i will”, the “kisses”, the “i miss you”, the “hey baby? i love you”, the “thank you for choosing me everyday”, the “would you love me even if i was a worm?”, the “soon, baby, soon”, the “how did that happen?”, the “drive safe, precious cargo”, the “i wish you were here”, the “i want a hug”, the “this is us”, the “i love you for who you are and who you want to be”
it’s the everythings, it’s always the everythings, it will always be the everythings
and i know it’s the everythings because my phone no longer autocorrects the word “everythings”
it’s the everythings because you are my everythings
so baby, please stay, always.
the hard days are no match for the east ones, the time together will outweigh the time apart soon, the struggles and misunderstandings will always be overcome
there will always be more everythings
you are enough, you are the everythings
i am so proud of you, for all that you’ve been, you are, and you want to be
you are the love of my life, the one permanent thing i’ve ever wanted
i will choose you, every day, for the rest of my life
i will stand beside you, through the ups and downs, the laughs and cries, the good, the bad, the ugly, the everythings
i love you, i am in love with you, i love you more than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow
